Phantoms at the Opera
by Sen Graham
Summary: Ikkaku and Yumichika have a slight misunderstanding. Rangiku tries to help the emotionally constipated men through their troubles.


I don't like this one as much as Narcissus and Echo. My muse kinda died and this was all I could come up with. Yep, you guessed it, more crack springing from my love of Bleach and Opera. A few fun facts, yes, Salome is morbid and it has actually been banned once or twice. Yes, Ikkaku did come up with that stupid training exorcise, you can see it for a brief moment in episode 133. Yes, Yumichika is slightly shorter and lighter than Rangiku.

Oh yeah, I don't own Bleach. You'll see that's probably a good thing if you choose to read more of this aweful fic...

* * *

Phantoms at the Opera

Summary: Ikkaku and Yumichika have a slight misunderstanding. Rangiku tries to help the emotionally constipated men through their troubles.

"But wwwhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyy!?" whined Yumichika.

Ikkaku was used to argueing with his boon companion. So much so they could carry on an argument no matter what they were doing, much to the shock and amazement of many their fellow squad members. At the moment, they were suspended in midair by their ankles doing sword drills. Ikkaku had invented the drill and was quite proud of it, so Yumichika went with it. He was a little upset with the way it disarrayed his perfect bobbed hair, but it was for Ikkaku, and hair is technically dead anyhow, so the raven tresses would have to deal with it.

Zaraki Kenpachi simply watched, with his pink haired lieutenant happily clapping her hands, and pointing out the two hanging from the ceiling to anyone who cared to listen. Kenpachi simply rolled his eyes when he heard the two arguing again. For people who swore they were not gay, they certainly carried on like an old couple.

"Because, I don't wanna watch some fat chick in armor scream!" insisted Ikkaku.

"You get one fat Brune Hilda and you never hear the end of it," grumbled Yumchika, "This is '_Salome_.' It's a historical fiction with lots of sex and violence. I thought that would interest you more than a fairy tale about a magical flute."

"I said no," finished Ikkaku.

"Please? It's a beautiful art form, and you never come with me anywhere," sighed Yumichika, "Please? Just this once?"

"No," said Ikkaku firmly.

Before Ikkaku knew it he had been body checked by a very slight, but very put off person to his right. As he twirled in the air, suspended by his feet he caught a glimpse of Yumichika, also upside down, swinging towards him, shinai in hand. It only took moments for an upside down battle to ensue, much to Yachiru's delight, and Kenpachi's annoyance. After a few minutes, he decided to cut them down.

The two unceremoniously crashed to the ground and nursed their sore heads as the Captain approached them. Yachiru ran around in circles demanding them to tie themselves up there again so she could cut them down and make them land on their heads. Kenpachi loomed over them ominously and sighed.

"What the hell happened this time?" demanded the scary captain.

"Yumichika went berserk!" exclaimed Ikkaku, "What the hell was that for anyways!?!"

"You wouldn't come willingly so I decided to use persuasion and reason," explained Yumichika haughtily. He held up his manicured fists, "This one is persuasion, the other one is reason."

Ikkaku rolled his eyes, "I am not going with you to the Opera, end of story!"

"Ikkaku, go with Yumichika," ordered Kenpachi.

The entire room fell silent, except for Yachiru who cheered about Baldy finally taking Narci-chan on a date. Ikkaku looked like he had died a little inside, and Yumichika was just plain old confused.

"Having fun is the most important thing, and the fruit cake never lets himself have any. So go with him and make sure he has some fun," elaborated Kenpachi.

"But, but, but," Ikkaku tried to counter.

"Oh thank you Taicho~" sang Yumichika, who did the unthinkable and hugged the surly captain.

"Whatever, now get the hell off me, fruit cake," grumbled Kenpachi, prying his fifth seat off of him.

"Ikkaku, meet me at the gates by six! We're off to London!" cheered Yumichika, who practically pranced out of the dojo.

"Wai~ Ken-chan just made Narci-chan happy!" called Yachiru, "He only gets that happy when he fights hollows!"

"Good, now maybe he won't be such an ass when it comes to papers," said Kenpachi.

Ikkaku simply stared after Yumichika; he hardly ever saw him that happy. He sighed. This, for some reason, must be very important to him. Perhaps this would not be so bad.

_Later that night…_

It _was_ that bad!

Ikkaku stormed down the halls of the eleventh division, not sure whether to be mad or disturbed. At first the stupid play had been fine and the theater was all pretty and nice. They were ghosts, so they got in free and sat on the balcony railing. It was in some other language, but Yumichika explained the plot as they went. The music and all that crap was actually good but the story was…the story was…

It had been down right morbid! Some psycho chick fell in love with some prophet guy who rejected her because of something to do with her parents, and he was into celibacy or something like that. So she strips for her uncle/step-father who says he will give her anything if she does, and demands that the prophet guy be beheaded. Then she started to make out with the severed head. It was then that Ikkaku had to leave. It was all too disgusting.

"Why did you just up and leave like that!?" demanded Yumichika.

"Why the hell did you stay seated!?" yelled Ikkaku, "That was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen in my life! I can't believe you're into that!"

"Look, I just thought-" began Yumichika, very irritated.

"Never again Yumichika!" snapped Ikkaku, "You keep your sick hobbies to yourself, alright!?"

Yumichika stared at him, violet eyes in complete shock. Eventually he recovered himself and turned on his heel, "Fine. I'll see you tomorrow."

The pretty, smaller man stalked down the hall and out of sight. Ikkaku stared after him, to upset and disturbed to even think of chasing after him. He wondered how Yumichika, who hated ugly things, would want to watch a play filled with incest, deceit and murder, all set to music.

"Looks like you failed your mission," said a rough voice.

Ikkaku turned around and saw Kenpachi, "You were supposed to make sure he had fun. Looks like all you did was piss him off."

"He didn't force you to watch some chick make out with a severed head," countered Ikkaku.

"It don't matter. You pissed him off and ruined his fun," said the captain, "Now make up or forget it."

Needless to say, everyone chose to forget it. Or at least never bring it up again.

_Present, about a hundred years later._

"Matsumoto-san invited us to see _Sweeny Todd_ with her, do you want to come Ikkaku?"

Ikkaku looked up. This was the first time Yumichika had dared bring up musical theater since the 'Salome Incident' as it had come to be called.

"I said it then, and I'll say it now. Leave me out of your sick hobbies," said Ikkaku.

Yumichika sighed, shrugged and walked off. Hold on…that was it? No whining? No yelling? Not fight? Had Yumichika just given up? That seemed somehow impossible. Ikkaku stuck his head out of the spare room Keigo and Mizuho were letting them use to watch Yumichika quietly walk away. He was wearing those silly jeans and purple shirt that Mizuho had given him, and he soon joined the ever scantily clad Rangiku who was fending off Keigo with ease.

"Is Ikkaku coming?" asked the blond.

"No. Let's go, I don't want to be late," said Yumichika, pulling on a jacket, "I'll be back in a few hours."

"Do you suppose we could sneak Taicho in?" asked Rangiku.

"Just stuff him down your shirt, nobody should notice," said Yumichika sarcastically.

The door opened and then shut. Ikkaku still could not believe that his pretty partner had given up on a fight. Had that seriously just happened? No, Yumichika never gave up! He was too stubborn to give up.

"Darling!~" called the eccentric landlady, "I'm so glad you decided to stay with me!"

Ikkaku rolled his eyes as the girl clung to him and snuggled against his shoulder. He had once thought Yumichika was bad, giving him the occasional hug if he was excited or something and always following him. Now he saw that it really was not that bad.

"Hey woman, what's _Sweeny Todd_ anyways?" asked Ikkaku.

"Oh, some slasher flick," shrugged Mizuho.

"Heh, figures," said Ikkaku glumly.

"You mean, that prissy pretty boy likes dice 'em up horror movies? Weird, I never would have guessed," marveled Mizuho.

"Like you wouldn't believe," grumbled the bald man, "The last show he brought me to was awful."

"You don't like gothic stuff?" asked Mizuho. Ikkaku could tell she was just making a mental note though. "But if he knew you don't like that sort of thing, why did he bring you?"

"He's a sadist. He likes messing with people's heads…" Ikkaku trailed off. He was about to say 'before he chops them off' but decided against it.

"How could he do that to my darling!" cried Mizuho

'That's what I'd like to know…'thought Ikkaku.

Hitsugaya did not want to come to the theater with them, and he was not amused when Rangiku offered to stuff him down her shirt. So, the unusual pair were on their own. The very pretty couple certainly turned a few heads. Rangiku being busty and looking like a foreigner with her blond hair and blue eyes, caught the attention of every man she past. Pretty and petit Yumichika attracted the attention of quite a few girls and a couple men to boot. But that was not the purpose of their little trip.

Rangiku had been pumped for this. She and Orihime had watched '_Pirates of the Carribean' _and the voluptuous shinigami could not wait to hear Captain Jack Sparrow singing. Yumichika had been fairly excited too, but it seemed to be bringing him a little down as they went on to their destination.

"So, he's still not over the Salome Incident," sighed Rangiku.

"How did you…" began Yumichika.

"Yachiru told Kiyone who told Isane who told me, and I just had it published in the 'funny' section of Shuuhei's magazine. _Fighter Fears Theater_, catchy title hm?" chirped Rangiku.

"He doesn't like it. So lets just drop it," said Yumichika.

"Okay," replied the blond.

She waited. She waited a good while and watched her companion's expression. Seeing as it never changed, he had not yet 'dropped it.' Rangiku poked his face teasingly, "You aren't dropping it, what's the matter?"

"Absolutely nothing," replied the pretty boy.

"Something has to be the matter!" insisted Rangiku.

"Nothing is wrong!" snapped Yumichika.

"Then why are you so upset?" asked Rangiku.

Yumichika remained silent as they walked. He remained silent until they got to the box office and he broke the silence to ask for 'one high school student please.' He remained silent as they looked at the snack bar. Finally after putting his hands awkwardly in his pockets, he cleared his throat and broke the silence.

"Uh, Matsumoto-san," he began.

"Say no more! I'm an expert on relationships and stuff. You wanted to share something you love with Ikkaku and he called you a sick freak. Naturally you're depressed, but since you're both men, neither of you want to discuss your feelings and you've never gotten the chance to get this off your mind. It's okay you poor thing, you can drown all of your sorrows in my chest," announced Rangiku, "Oh, and you can call me Rangiku if you want."

Yumichika blinked and stared at her, "I was just going to ask if you wanted to try this popcorn stuff…"

It was Rangiku's turn to blink and stare, "Oh, uh, sure."

After a very awkward trip to the snack bar accompanied by much stammering and flushing, the two got to their seats. Yumichika tried the light, fluffy treat known as popcorn and decided it was not so bad. It was a bit on the salty side, and he knew the copious amount of butter would not be good, but its taste was quite addictive. Rangiku also tried it and found she really liked it, and chowed down on handful after delicious handful.

"We are so bringing this stuff back with us!" decided Rangiku.

"You shouldn't eat so much junk," advised Yumichika, "This is why you weigh more than me."

"If you had large breasts or weren't so scrawny you would weigh the same as I do," she huffed.

"And if you didn't eat so much crap you would be beautiful and slender like I am," persisted Yumichika.

Rangiku looked at him mischievously, then grabbed him from behind and ghosted her hands over his flat chest, "Hm, am I detecting a hint of jealousy?"

"Matsumoto, off!" ordered the fifth seat.

The two struggled and argued for a while until they heard someone yell 'get a room.' Then Rangiku had to hold Yumichika not for fun, but to keep the pretty shinigami from ripping the poor sap limb from limb.

Aside from this incident the movie was very uneventful, and Rangiku was pleased with Captain Jack's performance. She had liked the duet 'Pretty Women,' as did Yumichika, since she caught him humming the tenor part once or twice on the way home. He had a nice voice. It could use some professional training, but he was not a bad singer if his humming was any indication. Rangiku made one quick stop to make a phone call and to buy something, but soon enough they were back at the Asano residence.

"I had fun," admitted Yumichika, "We should go out more."

"Hm, maybe I'll take you shopping! I found this great little boutique and Taicho won't come with me," mused Rangiku.

"Well, goodnight then," sighed Yumichika listlessly before opening the door.

"The goddess of breasts has returned!" yelled Keigo, flying through the open door. Rangiku promptly made short work of him.

"Nonsense Yumi-chan, I figured I'd come see Ikkaku!" laughed the large chrysanthemum, waltzing through the door.

"Y-yumi-chan!?" stuttered Yumichika.

He followed meekly behind, not sure exactly what was going on. First Rangiku had called him by some nickname, then she was fighting with Mizuho to borrow Ikkaku, then he was dragged into the living room where Rangiku stood over them menacingly.

"Now, I know you two have had a slight disagreement and it has been eating away at you for the last hundred years. But since I am an expert in relationships I have decided to help you poor men with your emotional constipation," announced Rangiku.

"Go home woman," grumbled Ikkaku.

"Yumichika, you had your feelings hurt when Ikkaku called your pastime sick and disgusting! Ikkaku, you found Yumichika's choice in entertainment unsettling. I want you two to discuss this with each other!" ordered Rangiku.

The room fell silent and the two gazed at each other awkwardly, neither of them wanting to be there. Rangiku palmed her forehead.

"Well then, Yumichika, why did you pick such a gruesome Opera?" asked Rangiku.

"I didn't think Ikkaku would like something that wasn't gruesome," shrugged Yumichika.

"Oh, so you think I'm into incest and necrophilia," grumbled Ikkaku, rolling his eyes.

"We saw worse in rukongai! It's a play! It's not real! And I didn't think you would want to see a comedy since the plots aren't very complex and there isn't much blood or fighting," explained Yumichika.

"Okay, we're making progress," interjected Rangiku, "Ikkaku, have you ever felt sorry for calling Yumichika sick and disgusting."

"No, we don't need to talk, he understood what I meant," snapped Ikkaku.

"We don't need closure Matsumoto-san, we're fine," insisted Yumichika.

"No! No you are not fine! You obviously have some kind of inferiority complex that makes you feel unworthy of Ikkaku's apology, and Ikkaku is too emotionally-stupid to see that what you said really bothers Yumichika," yelled Rangiku, "I am not leaving until you have closure!"

Yumichika sighed, "I'm sorry for dragging you to the Opera, next time I'll start you on something fluffy and family oriented like Annie and The Wizard of Oz."

"Look, Yumichika, I just want to know why you would sit and watch something, like that," said Ikkaku.

There was a brief pause before the pretty boy continued, "I don't know."

"Yes you do! Now Yumi-chan, tell us how you honestly feel," pressed Rangiku.

"They make me feel better, like I didn't have it so bad, that things could have been uglier. And to have it illustrated in such a beautiful way…It's catharsis, you know. I'm sorry I freaked you out," explained Yumichika.

"And Yumi-chan wanted you to be a part of something special to him," elaborated Rangiku, "To let you even more into his life."

"You have a weird way of showing it," mused Ikkaku, "Then again, everything about you is a little weird."

Yumichika huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. Rangiku glared at the bald man and motioned for him to either continue or correct himself. Ikkaku was at a complete loss, unsure of what he should do in this type of situation. He fought his battles with a sword! Not by talking about feelings!

"Alright…so, Yumichika, when you brought me last time, it really freaked me out. I didn't know about that so…I'm sorry I thought you were some kind of morbid pervert," admitted Ikkaku.

"There, see? Now everything is better," smiled Rangiku.

Looking from one man to the other, she could tell things were not better. Both of them looked so shaken, awkward and vulnerable. Perhaps this was why they never talked about feelings.

"Okay, why not just try having a do-over," suggested Rangiku rolling her eyes.

"Why didn't you just suggest that in the first place?!" yelled Yumichika and Ikkaku.

Rangiku sighed. Leave it to men not to want to deal with emotions. She pulled out a DVD she had rented and passed the box to Yumichika.

"_The Phantom of the Opera_," he said, "Murder, drama, romance, and fight scenes. Good choice."

Ikkaku looked at it warily. Yumichika sighed, "Nothing R-rated…sheesh."

"Oh! I called Taicho and told him to come watch it with us," remembered Rangiku, "I hope you don't mind."

"Don't ask me, ask the landlady!" growled Ikkaku. Rangiku shrugged it off and grabbed a bag of chips.

"You're going to get fat," said Yumichika, "It's not beautiful."

"You're just mad that you're such a skinny twig!" countered Rangiku.

"Just shut up and start the damned movie before I kill you both!" yelled Ikkaku.

_Back in Seireitei… _

Shuuhei waited impatiently by the fax machine. He knew he should never have let Rangiku cover the tabloid section of the magazine! Now he was waiting on her article and everything was behind schedule. Kira had even managed to submit some poetry despite his emotional trauma. He should never have trusted that busty blond menace!

Finally the machine beeped and started to spew out papers and pictures. "It's about time!" said Shuuhei out loud. Then he paled as he read the article.

_Beautiful Love: Fifth Seat sneaks out with Lieutenant!_

_It was a beautiful clear evening when Fifth Seat Ayasegawa Yumichika was spotted having an intimate conversation with Lieutenant Matsumoto Rangiku. To discover the true nature of the outing, this journalist followed the two on their date. It was truly a shock to discover that the two have forged a more-than-friends bond during their team's mission in Karakura Town. _

_Ayasegawa and Matsumoto went to the theater, to participate in a popular human world pastime known as 'going to the movies.' The activity is very much akin to going to watch a play. This was not a real surprise. The true surprise was seeing the two high ranking shinigami joking before Lieutenant Matsumoto embraced Ayasegawa from behind and began to caress his chest. Ayasegawa flushed and protested, showing us his true modest nature, but flew into a rage when a nearby human mocked their relationship. Matsumoto was forced to restrain her new beautiful boyfriend before he maimed the man who mocked them… _

Shuuhei gaped at the articles as he scanned the papers. It was complete trash that had been written at the last minute! The only redeeming part was the comical picture of Rangiku hugging a squirming Yumichika from behind. He could not publish these blatant lies, but he had to put something in the tabloid section, and the deadline was hours away. This was obviously something Rangiku had made up, but he had to submit something.

'Fifth Seat Ayasegawa, forgive me…'

* * *

Someone remind me why I wrote this...it's awful, its hardly even funny. Review I guess...if only out of pity...


End file.
